Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Next Step

We've decided to go ahead and take a big step, and go see an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). I've set my appointment for January 2nd. I'm excited about this doctor. He got his undergraduate degree from the same university that John and I attended, and from looking at his bio on the clinic's page, I'm pretty sure we go to the same church. He is very experienced and has a lot of world wide recognition. I hope he'll be the perfect doctor for us!

I know it's going to be expensive, and we have other expenses besides medical ones, but we think that we can at least go see what he says. We don't have to jump in and start really expensive treatment. I just want an expert opinion about our next course of action.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Of Course...

I have had a lot of conflicting information and opinions about my test results. I asked all of my friends in my infertility support group who said their RE's rate my 10.3 as a low level for post ovulation progesterone. I talked to a family member who is a nurse practitioner in an OB/GYN office who said that my level is low. But I (finally) got a hold of my doctor who said she thinks my levels are fine and wouldn't prescribe me medication. And another friend of the family is an OB/GYN and said that my level looks fine, and that it can't hurt to take it, but recommends that I get the opinion of a specialist.

My heart is crushed. I was so excited and thought that maybe I had finally found something good in this, and something that could help. But it looks like it's just another confusing piece of information that no one can agree on.

Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 17, 2012


Christmas is one of those hard holidays for me, and most infertile people, actually. I know there is so much to think about at Christmastime, and it's such a lovely and charitable holiday, which is why I try my best to really think about all of my blessings at this time of year.

But it's still impossible to ignore all of the parts of Christmas that I wish I had. Taking my children to meet Santa, watching Rudolph, Elf and Scrooge with them, watching them sing at the school's holiday music program, seeing their faces light up Christmas morning when they wake me up at 4 AM to open presents, Christmas family photos, playing Santa, teaching my children about baby Jesus and the Nativity story, the kids waiting for Grandma and Grandpa to come over... Christmas has so much focus on families, and a large part of it is dedicated to the children. On the page I linked above, a quote says, "One RESOLVE member describes Christmas as 'Santa Claus and rosy-cheeked children in every store, buying toys and gifts for other people's children, hanging only two stockings on your mantel, seeing the Nativity scene on display everywhere.' The everyday reminders of infertility are magnified a hundredfold. The joy of seeing children sitting on Santa's knee, lighting a menorah or ripping open a present is destroyed when every child reminds you of the one you don't have yet." Last year on Christmas day, I cried while I thought to myself, Maybe next year... I have to hope that it will happen next year. Will I tell myself the same thing again this year? This year is going to be much harder, too, because I am going to be together with my siblings and their kids. And it might be a selfish feeling, but I really can't help but feel that I will be out of place and left out. It's hard when everyone else who will be there has moved onto the next stage of life.

I have had to work on and resolve a lot of feelings when it comes to infertility. I can handle so much more now than I ever dreamed I thought possible. But, maybe because holidays like this come around so infrequently, or because I always imagine that Christmas will be so important once I do have children, or because I think of what my Christmas would be like if I hadn't lost my babies that I'm just not sure what to do with these feelings yet. This is going to be a huge trial and a big time of growth for me. I'm going in blind because I'm not sure exactly what to expect. My first instinct is to run away and just avoid all of it. But, I'll just have to jump into my aunt role and try to make this an amazing Christmas for my nephews, enjoy eating family dinner, and hope that the Lord will help solve the heartache I feel this time of year.

We will also take a quick escape for a few hours on Christmas morning while we go see Les Misérables at the cinema. We have to treat and help ourselves, too, don't we? I think we'll need that time together at Christmas, just our tiny family of two.

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Results Are In

So, the results! My number was 10.3 ng/mL. To get an idea of what that means, here are the normal ranges for progesterone.

For females 18 or older:
Follicular Phase (Before ovulation)     < 1.0
Luteal Phase (After ovulation)            2.6 - 21.5
Postmenopausal                                < 0.5      

So, I'm within the range, but it's still considered low! Most doctors say that anything above a 10 shows that you ovulated, so that's really good that mine is above that. However, it's still low, so my body might not be getting enough progesterone to make a good, thick, healthy lining. If there isn't a good lining, the egg can't implant well, therefore causing miscarriages.

Do you know what that means?

I think (I hope!) I have my answer.

I haven't confirmed with my doctor for sure what we will be doing, but I'm almost certain that I will be taking Prometrium during the luteal phase to increase my progesterone. So, when (yes, I'm going to say "when!") I get pregnant, my levels won't be low anymore, and I shouldn't lose the baby.

When I opened my test result today and saw the number, I just sat in the car and cried of relief. I hope this is it! And I hope that my doctor agrees that it's too low and allows me to take the medication. It doesn't hurt to take it, so if I want it, I should be able to have it just in case.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Today's the Day, and Good News!

Well, today is the day that I go get my blood drawn for the progesterone test. I am very nervous, and excited, and anxious, and emotional. As soon as the results are back, I will know if all I need is one little pill for two weeks out of the month to finally have the blessing of my first child. After almost three years, could this finally be the last piece of my answer?
UPDATE: I will get results on Tuesday!

The very, very good news is that the Clomid seems to have reminded my body that it's supposed to ovulate every month. I was so afraid that this last miscarriage would mess up my body again like the first one did. But I seem to be on a good track, predictably ovulating on my own. I feel like I can relax and say that I shouldn't need Clomid anymore! That's one giant piece to the mystery puzzle solved! I should be able to continue to get pregnant on my own. Now we just need to figure out how to make those little babies stick. And I'm dearly hoping that there is a solution.