Monday, October 22, 2012

where is my peace?

I just really don't understand. If I am doing everything right, and upholding my end of the bargain, then why aren't I being blessed with what I have been promised? Why do I have to go through all of this pain and emotional trauma? Why me? After waiting, and waiting, and waiting only to be disappointed many times while watching my friends lap me two and three times over, when will it be my turn? How much longer do I have to wait?

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


Third pregnancy, third miscarriage. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

We were both amazed when I found out that I was pregnant again right after the early miscarriage in August. My period was late, so I thought I might as well test, knowing that I couldn't be pregnant again so fast. I couldn't quite believe my eyes when I saw the positive tests. Hoping that the lines wouldn't disappear, I kept testing every morning and slowly watched as my lines got stronger and darker. I finally let myself hope and get excited! Maybe this one would be it! I felt good about it! I started looking into the future- we could surprise everyone at Thanksgiving when I made it into the second trimester. I might have a cute little bump for Christmas photos. The baby would be born around the beginning of June, right after school was out for the summer, so John and my mom could both be here all the time. The timing was perfect and we were excited.
A few of my wonderful positives
Yesterday morning I went to my clinic to get my Proof of Pregnancy for insurance. But when I did the urine test, it was completely negative. The nurse told me that since I had a good positive the day before at home, it was most likely a false negative because the hormone couldn't have worked its way out of my body so fast. So I went off to the lab for a blood draw for a beta hCG, which measures the exact amount of hormone in the blood (which came back the next day showing I was pregnant). I had felt a little icky all weekend and had more cramping than usual, so after the negative test, I started to suspect things weren't right at all.

I went home, and a few hours later started to lose the baby, this time just a day shy of 6 weeks. The nurse called shortly after to let me know that my beta level was just a 6. Enough to prove pregnancy, but much, much too low to be viable.

There is really something wrong with my body, and I wish the doctors could figure it out. I really thought this could be it.