I think I'm beginning to stumble upon a huge question a lot of infertile couples eventually reach. When is it time to start trying for another baby?
Our daughter is now 15 months old, and has officially left the baby stage of life and entered into toddlerhood. We no longer have a little baby anymore, so that started making me ask if it's time.
John and I have discussed a couple of times what our plans with children look like to us. We've decided we would like to have two children, if possible. I have said for years now that I will never do infertility treatment again, and while that decision may change further down the road, I'm still sticking to that now. I just do not have the emotional or financial ability to handle it again. It's possible my tubal blockages are fixed after having a baby, since everything got all squished and pushed around, and the hormone reset may have fixed the irregular cycles. So I do have a small hope that things will be okay now.
But the issue I'm struggling with now is, when? John and I talked about having a few years in between Rosie and baby 2, which I'm okay with. I wouldn't mind having a more independent preschooler while taking care of a newborn. But what really worries me is if it takes years to conceive again. What if we wait to try to get pregnant, and that just adds to the age gap? I'd really like to not have five, six, or seven years in between my babies. I didn't have a sibling close in age to me and it was kind of sucky. I had always dreamed of having a brother or sister to play with, or want to watch the same TV shows, or have similar interests. I felt a bit lonely at home.
Then the other side of the issue is if we start trying now, what happens if I have no problems and get pregnant immediately? Are we ready for that right away? Do I want a barely 2-year-old running around making messes while I'm trying to care for a newborn on three hours of sleep? It sounds very unappealing to me, especially with our small living space we will have for the next couple years.
I guess right now it doesn't matter so much since both of us will have to be 100% on board first. I know for sure that trying right now is a no go for John. But this has been on my mind lately, and I guess I have to figure out my feelings if I want to bring it up with him again when I'm ready. And I'm trying to decide when that will be.
I can't even imagine how it feels like to decide to have a baby, and then just get pregnant in the next one to three months like most healthy couples. I just can't understand how that would feel, having it be so much easier on planning out your life.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Monday, April 7, 2014
Baby Rose is Here
Our baby girl is finally here! She's sleeping in my lap as I'm typing this. I'm sleep deprived, have seen more poop in the last week than I have in my previous 24 years of life, and I could not be happier.
Rosalind Elizabeth was born on Monday, March 31st, 2014 at 8:53 PM. She was 5lbs 13oz and 18" long.
I wanted to write my birth story because I had a lot of people asking to hear it, and because I wanted to have it for the future, when details may get a bit fuzzy.
During my last trimester we started to see baby's size start falling behind, according to the fundal height measurement. She had always been a bit small during the whole pregnancy, but had grown at a good rate until about week 34. At one of my later appointments, I saw the nurse practitioner, who wanted to send me for an ultrasound to get a more accurate picture of baby's size.
So, a few days later, John and I went to the hospital for one more ultrasound, where they took measurements of her whole anatomy. After, the radiologist/OB came in to tell us that she was in the 7th percentile in weight. Anything below the 10th percentile was cause for some concern. She explained that ultrasound measurements have a large range for error, and that 7th percentile is a bit of a gray area because she could be small, or she could be a bit bigger than measured and be above that 10th percentile mark. She explained a bit about intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), and said that it's possible that is the reason for baby's small size. With IUGR comes a big risk of placenta failure, which goes up a lot at 39 weeks, and a risk of baby's heart rate dropping suddenly. She then instructed for us to go back to our OB, who knows me and my history better, to talk about it more and discuss options.
I went home and did more research and talked with some trusted friends in the medical field about the situation. They all told me the same information that the radiologist had told me, and agreed that a 39 week induction was the best course of action. We went back to my OB at 38 weeks and 5 days, and she gave us the option of inducing two days later on Sunday, or waiting a couple of days to see if my cervix would be more ready, and inducing on Wednesday. After reading about the risks and talking to educated people on the matter, John and I had decided that we'd rather not take the risk of waiting, and decided to induce on my 39 week date. My doctor told me labor would be longer and harder, since my cervix was only a fingertip dilated, but we thought it was worth it.
On Sunday evening, we went to the hospital, ready to meet our baby girl. We checked in at 5:30, and they did a couple of checks, hooked me up to the IV, and got the monitors on. I was disappointed that I wasn't able to do the first half of my labor at home like I wanted to, but was really grateful that baby would be monitored the whole time in case the IUGR caused her heart rate to drop.
At 7:00, the OB on shift placed Cervidil, and my long night began.
I was told that the Cervidil would cause a bit of cramping as my cervix would start to open. The OB mentioned that it occasionally starts labor for some women. The Cervidil definitely started labor for me! A half an hour in, I started feeling crampy, but it just felt like bad period cramps. An hour later, I started having irregular contractions. At around 10 PM, I was having true, hard contractions that were picking up on the monitor. There wasn't a clear pattern, but almost all were never more than 20 seconds apart. Most ran right into each other, with just a couple of seconds between them. Occasionally I'd get a break for a few minutes, but the ones after the breaks were the most painful of all.
I used my birth ball and all the different labor positions I learned, along with breathing. John helped tremendously by rubbing my back and helping me move and adjust. The non-stop labor without breaks between the contractions was really wearing me down fast. I'm sure they weren't the super hard ones experienced in later labor, but not having any time between them made the night almost unbearable. By 4 AM, I was ready to give up and had no idea how I was supposed to keep going. At 5 AM, I asked about my epidural. Unfortunately, shift change was coming up, and I'd have to wait for the next anesthesiologist to come on shift, and my OB wanted to check my progress before having it placed.
At 8 AM, 13 hours in, my OB came on shift! I was so happy to see her. She checked me and I was at 3 cm. She was happy with that, so she removed the Cervidil string and put in the order for my epidural. She also told me that I was laboring on my own (no, really??) and didn't need the Pitocin. I continued to labor for over an hour until the anesthesiologist resident came in. After seeing my scoliosis, she left to get the attending to help her place it.
It took them quite a while to get the epidural in, due to my crooked spine. The whole process was miserable. The anesthetic injection burned more than any shot I'd ever felt, but the worst of it was baby up in my ribs. For the epidural, I had to bend over as much as I could to make my spine stick out. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that baby was kicking me right in the ribs the whole time! She did not like being squished in there. I know another reason the anesthesiologists had a hard time getting it in was because they were trying to work between contractions, but only had about 20 seconds between them. They finally gave up and just worked through them, and I did my very best to hold still.
At 10 AM, they finally got it placed, and life was bliss. I couldn't feel anything from the ribs below. I had labored for about 14 hours on my own before getting the epidural, so I felt like I had earned it!
At about 2:00 PM, my OB came in to do another check, and we learned I was at 4 cm. At this point, to try to progress things, she broke my water and told me to get more rest.
A bit later, the nurse came in to tell me that my contractions had started to slow down, so they started me on a pitocin drip. I didn't care, since I was flying high on my epidural and just wanted to get the labor going. At one point, they turned off the drip for about 30 minutes, and then turned it back on, because my body wasn't responding to it and they were trying to give my body a break so I'd respond to it again.
At 6:00 PM, the OB came to do another check, and I still hadn't progressed at all, and was at 4 cm. I was getting nervous at that point that they'd have to do a c-section, and expressed that concern with my doctor. She told me that she'd never give up yet, and still had some tricks up her sleeve. She wanted to do everything possible, and wouldn't resort to that unless she'd done everything else possible, or the baby was in danger. At this point, she opted to place an internal contraction monitor that would help us know the strength of the contractions, and they could control how much pitocin I'd need. At 6:30, they increased the dose and then came in a few more times after that to adjust it.
The increased dose of pitocin made the contractions a lot stronger, and I started to feel them. I called in the anesthesiologist, who gave me another bolus to keep me happy. I then fell asleep for a while, not knowing how much longer it'd take.
I woke up somewhere around 8:20 PM with a very odd feeling. It was a strong pressure down south, and I felt like I needed to take a bowel movement. The nurse came in, and I told her that I felt like I needed to push. She took a look and said, "Well, I think it's time for the doctor to check you. Also, DON'T PUSH." My doctor came in immediately and told me that I was fully dilated and the baby was at +2! I couldn't believe it, since I was only at 4 cm and 80% effaced just an hour and a half before! The nurse told me not to push until they were ready. She then helped me push through two contractions, and baby had crowned. The team quickly made it in the room, and the resident and my OB were there and ready. I pushed through 4 more contractions, and baby girl was here! I only pushed for about 20 minutes. There was all kinds of fluid everywhere, but I didn't care. I could see her, and that's all I cared about. John got to help out the whole time, holding one of my legs and giving me encouragement. He then got to cut the cord after she was born.
They immediately passed her to the NICU team and they did a very quick assessment. They were there in case her small size had caused problems. She looked good, so they gave her to me for some skin to skin. I only had a small, 1st degree internal tear, so there wasn't much that needed to be done on me. I delivered the placenta, and my OB said baby was all wrapped up in the umbilical cord, and that it was unusually long. She thinks being wrapped and tangled up in the cord so much caused the growth restriction.
It's amazing that babies can find the breast and start feeding all on their own. I was given instruction to let her lay there and squirm her way to the breast herself. She found it, latched, and started eating all on her own! That survival instinct was really amazing to watch. After my hour with her, they weighed her and then gave her over to John for his skin to skin time while the nurse helped me get cleaned up a bit, removed my epidural, and helped me to go the bathroom.
It was a great night from there. I couldn't sleep, and I didn't want to. I was up all night with her and loved it.
The rest of the story is pretty boring- lots of hospital staff coming in every 15 minutes to do checks and give me paperwork, spending time with my baby, learning to breastfeed, and eating icky hospital food. Tuesday night was very hard because Baby would not sleep in her bassinet. She wanted to be held, and would only sleep if we were holding her, and would only stop crying if she was on the boob. It made me very tired, since I was the only one that could fulfill that for her. My mom and the nurse both tried to help find a solution, but in the end, I had to stay up all night with her to keep her calm and stop her screaming.
We were very happy when we were able to go home Wednesday at lunchtime. Things settled down a lot more, and both Rosie and I were calmer and had better nights. She still refused to sleep unless she was being cuddled (can you blame her?) but we all took turns and worked out a system. Finally, John used his magic daddy touch, and got her to sleep in her bassinet, and that's where she's been sleeping since. Well, unless I decide to cuddle her, which is almost all day long. At least she sleeps there at night!
To reward you for getting this far, here are some pictures of Baby! They take forever to load on here, so check out my Facebook profile for a more complete album. I'll try to include different pictures here.
Rosalind Elizabeth was born on Monday, March 31st, 2014 at 8:53 PM. She was 5lbs 13oz and 18" long.
I wanted to write my birth story because I had a lot of people asking to hear it, and because I wanted to have it for the future, when details may get a bit fuzzy.
During my last trimester we started to see baby's size start falling behind, according to the fundal height measurement. She had always been a bit small during the whole pregnancy, but had grown at a good rate until about week 34. At one of my later appointments, I saw the nurse practitioner, who wanted to send me for an ultrasound to get a more accurate picture of baby's size.
So, a few days later, John and I went to the hospital for one more ultrasound, where they took measurements of her whole anatomy. After, the radiologist/OB came in to tell us that she was in the 7th percentile in weight. Anything below the 10th percentile was cause for some concern. She explained that ultrasound measurements have a large range for error, and that 7th percentile is a bit of a gray area because she could be small, or she could be a bit bigger than measured and be above that 10th percentile mark. She explained a bit about intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), and said that it's possible that is the reason for baby's small size. With IUGR comes a big risk of placenta failure, which goes up a lot at 39 weeks, and a risk of baby's heart rate dropping suddenly. She then instructed for us to go back to our OB, who knows me and my history better, to talk about it more and discuss options.
I went home and did more research and talked with some trusted friends in the medical field about the situation. They all told me the same information that the radiologist had told me, and agreed that a 39 week induction was the best course of action. We went back to my OB at 38 weeks and 5 days, and she gave us the option of inducing two days later on Sunday, or waiting a couple of days to see if my cervix would be more ready, and inducing on Wednesday. After reading about the risks and talking to educated people on the matter, John and I had decided that we'd rather not take the risk of waiting, and decided to induce on my 39 week date. My doctor told me labor would be longer and harder, since my cervix was only a fingertip dilated, but we thought it was worth it.
On Sunday evening, we went to the hospital, ready to meet our baby girl. We checked in at 5:30, and they did a couple of checks, hooked me up to the IV, and got the monitors on. I was disappointed that I wasn't able to do the first half of my labor at home like I wanted to, but was really grateful that baby would be monitored the whole time in case the IUGR caused her heart rate to drop.
At 7:00, the OB on shift placed Cervidil, and my long night began.
I was told that the Cervidil would cause a bit of cramping as my cervix would start to open. The OB mentioned that it occasionally starts labor for some women. The Cervidil definitely started labor for me! A half an hour in, I started feeling crampy, but it just felt like bad period cramps. An hour later, I started having irregular contractions. At around 10 PM, I was having true, hard contractions that were picking up on the monitor. There wasn't a clear pattern, but almost all were never more than 20 seconds apart. Most ran right into each other, with just a couple of seconds between them. Occasionally I'd get a break for a few minutes, but the ones after the breaks were the most painful of all.
I used my birth ball and all the different labor positions I learned, along with breathing. John helped tremendously by rubbing my back and helping me move and adjust. The non-stop labor without breaks between the contractions was really wearing me down fast. I'm sure they weren't the super hard ones experienced in later labor, but not having any time between them made the night almost unbearable. By 4 AM, I was ready to give up and had no idea how I was supposed to keep going. At 5 AM, I asked about my epidural. Unfortunately, shift change was coming up, and I'd have to wait for the next anesthesiologist to come on shift, and my OB wanted to check my progress before having it placed.
At 8 AM, 13 hours in, my OB came on shift! I was so happy to see her. She checked me and I was at 3 cm. She was happy with that, so she removed the Cervidil string and put in the order for my epidural. She also told me that I was laboring on my own (no, really??) and didn't need the Pitocin. I continued to labor for over an hour until the anesthesiologist resident came in. After seeing my scoliosis, she left to get the attending to help her place it.
It took them quite a while to get the epidural in, due to my crooked spine. The whole process was miserable. The anesthetic injection burned more than any shot I'd ever felt, but the worst of it was baby up in my ribs. For the epidural, I had to bend over as much as I could to make my spine stick out. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that baby was kicking me right in the ribs the whole time! She did not like being squished in there. I know another reason the anesthesiologists had a hard time getting it in was because they were trying to work between contractions, but only had about 20 seconds between them. They finally gave up and just worked through them, and I did my very best to hold still.
At 10 AM, they finally got it placed, and life was bliss. I couldn't feel anything from the ribs below. I had labored for about 14 hours on my own before getting the epidural, so I felt like I had earned it!
At about 2:00 PM, my OB came in to do another check, and we learned I was at 4 cm. At this point, to try to progress things, she broke my water and told me to get more rest.
A bit later, the nurse came in to tell me that my contractions had started to slow down, so they started me on a pitocin drip. I didn't care, since I was flying high on my epidural and just wanted to get the labor going. At one point, they turned off the drip for about 30 minutes, and then turned it back on, because my body wasn't responding to it and they were trying to give my body a break so I'd respond to it again.
At 6:00 PM, the OB came to do another check, and I still hadn't progressed at all, and was at 4 cm. I was getting nervous at that point that they'd have to do a c-section, and expressed that concern with my doctor. She told me that she'd never give up yet, and still had some tricks up her sleeve. She wanted to do everything possible, and wouldn't resort to that unless she'd done everything else possible, or the baby was in danger. At this point, she opted to place an internal contraction monitor that would help us know the strength of the contractions, and they could control how much pitocin I'd need. At 6:30, they increased the dose and then came in a few more times after that to adjust it.
The increased dose of pitocin made the contractions a lot stronger, and I started to feel them. I called in the anesthesiologist, who gave me another bolus to keep me happy. I then fell asleep for a while, not knowing how much longer it'd take.
I woke up somewhere around 8:20 PM with a very odd feeling. It was a strong pressure down south, and I felt like I needed to take a bowel movement. The nurse came in, and I told her that I felt like I needed to push. She took a look and said, "Well, I think it's time for the doctor to check you. Also, DON'T PUSH." My doctor came in immediately and told me that I was fully dilated and the baby was at +2! I couldn't believe it, since I was only at 4 cm and 80% effaced just an hour and a half before! The nurse told me not to push until they were ready. She then helped me push through two contractions, and baby had crowned. The team quickly made it in the room, and the resident and my OB were there and ready. I pushed through 4 more contractions, and baby girl was here! I only pushed for about 20 minutes. There was all kinds of fluid everywhere, but I didn't care. I could see her, and that's all I cared about. John got to help out the whole time, holding one of my legs and giving me encouragement. He then got to cut the cord after she was born.
They immediately passed her to the NICU team and they did a very quick assessment. They were there in case her small size had caused problems. She looked good, so they gave her to me for some skin to skin. I only had a small, 1st degree internal tear, so there wasn't much that needed to be done on me. I delivered the placenta, and my OB said baby was all wrapped up in the umbilical cord, and that it was unusually long. She thinks being wrapped and tangled up in the cord so much caused the growth restriction.
It's amazing that babies can find the breast and start feeding all on their own. I was given instruction to let her lay there and squirm her way to the breast herself. She found it, latched, and started eating all on her own! That survival instinct was really amazing to watch. After my hour with her, they weighed her and then gave her over to John for his skin to skin time while the nurse helped me get cleaned up a bit, removed my epidural, and helped me to go the bathroom.
It was a great night from there. I couldn't sleep, and I didn't want to. I was up all night with her and loved it.
The rest of the story is pretty boring- lots of hospital staff coming in every 15 minutes to do checks and give me paperwork, spending time with my baby, learning to breastfeed, and eating icky hospital food. Tuesday night was very hard because Baby would not sleep in her bassinet. She wanted to be held, and would only sleep if we were holding her, and would only stop crying if she was on the boob. It made me very tired, since I was the only one that could fulfill that for her. My mom and the nurse both tried to help find a solution, but in the end, I had to stay up all night with her to keep her calm and stop her screaming.
We were very happy when we were able to go home Wednesday at lunchtime. Things settled down a lot more, and both Rosie and I were calmer and had better nights. She still refused to sleep unless she was being cuddled (can you blame her?) but we all took turns and worked out a system. Finally, John used his magic daddy touch, and got her to sleep in her bassinet, and that's where she's been sleeping since. Well, unless I decide to cuddle her, which is almost all day long. At least she sleeps there at night!
To reward you for getting this far, here are some pictures of Baby! They take forever to load on here, so check out my Facebook profile for a more complete album. I'll try to include different pictures here.
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Friday, November 15, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Please Don't Turn Me Into a Story
There is one thing I hated so much while I was trying to get pregnant- stories. Every time I heard someone tell me about their cousin's best friend's sister who had three failed IVFs, but then when they decided to adopt, she got pregnant because she relaxed, I wanted to scream.
Please don't turn me into one of those stories. I know my situation is very happy and exciting, but it definitely will not happen to most women and is very rare. I just think of how those stories were very unhelpful and, sometimes, hurtful. I don't want my story to do that to someone. I don't want them to hear my story and then be told, "So, that'll work for you, too! You just need to take a break." When people think that's all infertiles need to do, they minimize the effort and pain that those ladies go through to try to have a baby.
So, please, don't share my story of getting pregnant on a break month before IVF as one that can and should happen to everyone. I wish it would, but in reality, it won't be this easy for most.
Please don't turn me into one of those stories. I know my situation is very happy and exciting, but it definitely will not happen to most women and is very rare. I just think of how those stories were very unhelpful and, sometimes, hurtful. I don't want my story to do that to someone. I don't want them to hear my story and then be told, "So, that'll work for you, too! You just need to take a break." When people think that's all infertiles need to do, they minimize the effort and pain that those ladies go through to try to have a baby.
So, please, don't share my story of getting pregnant on a break month before IVF as one that can and should happen to everyone. I wish it would, but in reality, it won't be this easy for most.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
I'm Pregnant
If you haven't heard until now, I'm 13 weeks pregnant, first day of my second trimester! Just three and a half years after we started the trouble to get here.
This was a total shock and surprise to us. The last you probably know is that we were told at our meeting with the RE that we need IVF. We had decided to go on an indefinite break until we got all of our affairs in order, and just try to enjoy other things in life.
In the beginning of July, the doctor wanted to do one more test to make sure that he wasn't releasing me with any cysts or fibroids or fun things like that. He did another water/saline ultrasound test, where he pushed saline solution into the uterus and performed an ultrasound. Everything looked good and healthy. I asked then if we should bother using OPKs and timing things, and he said that was up to us. And, he left us with, (hint this part is important to remember:) "You may have a little better chance this month because the saline I just used could have pushed some of the blockage in your tube out of the way."
We decided to just have a fun time and take a true break. I put away all of the OPKs and calendars I have been using for three years, and tried to forget about them. We visited John's family for the Fourth of July, and did some other fun date nights together, just enjoying each other.
At the end of July, a symptom started bothering me. I had complained about it a couple of times to John, who finally said, "Are you pregnant?" I looked at him like, Seriously?
But I was nice, I think, and just said, "No." Are you crazy?!
"Did you test?"
"No." Drop it, because I am not talking about this right now.
Pointed look.
Pointed look back.
I finally seceded and grabbed one of my 50 million pregnancy tests from my stash and took it so I could prove him wrong. I knew it was going to be negative. After setting it to process, I left the bathroom and came back a couple of minutes later when I remembered I had a chance to prove John wrong- a chance that I don't get very often.
But it was positive.
I yelled at John, showed him the test, and he agreed it was positive. I forgot how to breathe. I started to get light headed. I sat down. Then I looked again. And laid down because I forgot how to person. I'm pregnant?
Two seconds later I was on the phone with my RE's office and they told me to go in as soon as possible for a blood test. The next day, I took two more tests, one with two beautiful pink lines and another digital that had a plus sign on it. I got a call from the doctor, which confirmed that I was pregnant with hCG levels of 27.8.
I had a few more blood tests that showed really nice doubling times, and scheduled my first ultrasound. I was so nervous for that first ultrasound, since I had blockage in my tubes that could have easily prevented the egg from making it to the uterus, resulting in an ectopic pregnancy.
We got in, and saw that the baby was there, in the right place. Here is the crazy thing: It was barely 2mm out of the tube. Any fraction of a bit higher and that baby would have been life-threatening and we would have had to terminate. It was as close as it could get! Not only that, but the doctor saw that fluid surrounded the outside of the right fallopian tube, showing that ovulation occurred through it, but the left ovary had matured and ruptured a follicle.
Not only is my baby barely intrauterine, but the right fallopian tube reached around to the left ovary to pick up the egg. My RE said that happens in about 5% of cases. The doctor said, "I guess that saline ultrasound test did help clear whatever was blocking your tube! I'm really glad we did it!" I definitely agreed with him!
We had weekly ultrasounds after, to see the heartbeat, hear the heartbeat, and just check to make sure the baby was growing on schedule. And everything looked perfect.
I was released from my RE to a regular OBGYN, whom I love. John and I moved states just a couple of weeks ago, and I found a new doctor and office, and so far, I love them. We are so excited to be at this stage of the journey, finally!
Now, to reward you for reading this novel I wrote, (or if you just skipped it, which is fine with me), here are some pictures!
Apparently, right now baby is the size of a peach at 3 inches. I have an appointment on Wednesday to have a really good ultrasound where they will check for certain deformities, like spinal, and for Down Syndrome.
Oh, and here's my little 13 week bump.
This was a total shock and surprise to us. The last you probably know is that we were told at our meeting with the RE that we need IVF. We had decided to go on an indefinite break until we got all of our affairs in order, and just try to enjoy other things in life.
In the beginning of July, the doctor wanted to do one more test to make sure that he wasn't releasing me with any cysts or fibroids or fun things like that. He did another water/saline ultrasound test, where he pushed saline solution into the uterus and performed an ultrasound. Everything looked good and healthy. I asked then if we should bother using OPKs and timing things, and he said that was up to us. And, he left us with, (hint this part is important to remember:) "You may have a little better chance this month because the saline I just used could have pushed some of the blockage in your tube out of the way."
We decided to just have a fun time and take a true break. I put away all of the OPKs and calendars I have been using for three years, and tried to forget about them. We visited John's family for the Fourth of July, and did some other fun date nights together, just enjoying each other.
At the end of July, a symptom started bothering me. I had complained about it a couple of times to John, who finally said, "Are you pregnant?" I looked at him like, Seriously?
But I was nice, I think, and just said, "No." Are you crazy?!
"Did you test?"
"No." Drop it, because I am not talking about this right now.
Pointed look.
Pointed look back.
I finally seceded and grabbed one of my 50 million pregnancy tests from my stash and took it so I could prove him wrong. I knew it was going to be negative. After setting it to process, I left the bathroom and came back a couple of minutes later when I remembered I had a chance to prove John wrong- a chance that I don't get very often.
But it was positive.
I yelled at John, showed him the test, and he agreed it was positive. I forgot how to breathe. I started to get light headed. I sat down. Then I looked again. And laid down because I forgot how to person. I'm pregnant?
Two seconds later I was on the phone with my RE's office and they told me to go in as soon as possible for a blood test. The next day, I took two more tests, one with two beautiful pink lines and another digital that had a plus sign on it. I got a call from the doctor, which confirmed that I was pregnant with hCG levels of 27.8.
I had a few more blood tests that showed really nice doubling times, and scheduled my first ultrasound. I was so nervous for that first ultrasound, since I had blockage in my tubes that could have easily prevented the egg from making it to the uterus, resulting in an ectopic pregnancy.
We got in, and saw that the baby was there, in the right place. Here is the crazy thing: It was barely 2mm out of the tube. Any fraction of a bit higher and that baby would have been life-threatening and we would have had to terminate. It was as close as it could get! Not only that, but the doctor saw that fluid surrounded the outside of the right fallopian tube, showing that ovulation occurred through it, but the left ovary had matured and ruptured a follicle.
Not only is my baby barely intrauterine, but the right fallopian tube reached around to the left ovary to pick up the egg. My RE said that happens in about 5% of cases. The doctor said, "I guess that saline ultrasound test did help clear whatever was blocking your tube! I'm really glad we did it!" I definitely agreed with him!
We had weekly ultrasounds after, to see the heartbeat, hear the heartbeat, and just check to make sure the baby was growing on schedule. And everything looked perfect.
I was released from my RE to a regular OBGYN, whom I love. John and I moved states just a couple of weeks ago, and I found a new doctor and office, and so far, I love them. We are so excited to be at this stage of the journey, finally!
Now, to reward you for reading this novel I wrote, (or if you just skipped it, which is fine with me), here are some pictures!
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| The test that was supposed to prove John wrong. I'm glad it didn't! Sorry for poor picture quality. It's the only one I have |
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| Tests the next morning |
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| OPK that I took to show that they are positive when pregnant |
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| I loved watching the lines get darker! |
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| Ultrasound 5 weeks. We saw that little baby in the right place, even though we couldn't see it yet! Too tiny. |
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| Ultrasound 6 weeks, the long thing is the baby/fetal pole. The round bubble is the yolk sac that fed the baby until placenta was developed. |
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| 7 weeks, we got to hear the heartbeat! It was 151 bpm and beautiful. |
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| 8 weeks, beautiful baby! We heard heartbeat again, 175 bpm. |
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| 9 weeks, and we saw baby move and squirm for the first time. At this ultrasound, my RE made a guess, and was very certain that the baby is a girl! |
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| 12 weeks, with my new doctor. More squirming and jumping. |
Oh, and here's my little 13 week bump.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Hiatus
I'm currently taking a hiatus from writing. I just need this time to process our latest news and give my mind and emotions a break for a while. If you want to contact me, please leave a comment. I will get an email letting me know that you've written.
Good luck to all, and hopefully I'll be back soon-
Allie
Good luck to all, and hopefully I'll be back soon-
Allie
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
We Need IVF
We saw our RE today and had a long talk with him. I was right. We need IVF.
We still don't have an exact diagnosis to my infertility, but since we have corrected every other option, the only perpetrators left are my Fallopian tubes. Long story short, it's not a sperm issue, since John is not lacking there. It's not an egg issue, because I've had positives tests, showing that an egg was fertilized. It's not a cervix or lower reproductive organ issue, since we totally bypassed those with IUI. The only thing left are Fallopian tubes. And the only way to get around those is IVF.
I learned something else today. Most pregnancy losses due to factors such as genetics or problems with the embryo usually occur 8 weeks or later. Since mine were so early, and I've had so many (7 weeks, 5 weeks, 4 weeks, possibly a fourth at 4 weeks), they are indicative of tubal pregnancies. Those are embryos that don't make it out of the Fallopian tubes. It's very possible to have multiple ectopics in a row if the Fallopian tubes are compromised. Many tubal pregnancies end on their own very early, so I have been lucky that I haven't needed surgery to remove them. If they don't end on their own, it is a very dangerous and life-threatening situation for the mother if not treated quickly.
We visited with the financial counselor to talk about costs. And with a financial aid program through the office and another program to help with costs of medication, the estimated cost is between $8,000 and $10,000. We just don't have that money, and we won't have it for a long time.
I never thought that after three and a half years that I'd be here. Having put so much effort, sweat, blood, and way too many tears toward this goal, and still sitting here at the beginning. And now, we'll have to just sit here and wait. The hardest part will be sitting here not being able to do anything about it.
Also, today marks the one year anniversary of this blog. What a way to celebrate.
We still don't have an exact diagnosis to my infertility, but since we have corrected every other option, the only perpetrators left are my Fallopian tubes. Long story short, it's not a sperm issue, since John is not lacking there. It's not an egg issue, because I've had positives tests, showing that an egg was fertilized. It's not a cervix or lower reproductive organ issue, since we totally bypassed those with IUI. The only thing left are Fallopian tubes. And the only way to get around those is IVF.
I learned something else today. Most pregnancy losses due to factors such as genetics or problems with the embryo usually occur 8 weeks or later. Since mine were so early, and I've had so many (7 weeks, 5 weeks, 4 weeks, possibly a fourth at 4 weeks), they are indicative of tubal pregnancies. Those are embryos that don't make it out of the Fallopian tubes. It's very possible to have multiple ectopics in a row if the Fallopian tubes are compromised. Many tubal pregnancies end on their own very early, so I have been lucky that I haven't needed surgery to remove them. If they don't end on their own, it is a very dangerous and life-threatening situation for the mother if not treated quickly.
We visited with the financial counselor to talk about costs. And with a financial aid program through the office and another program to help with costs of medication, the estimated cost is between $8,000 and $10,000. We just don't have that money, and we won't have it for a long time.
I never thought that after three and a half years that I'd be here. Having put so much effort, sweat, blood, and way too many tears toward this goal, and still sitting here at the beginning. And now, we'll have to just sit here and wait. The hardest part will be sitting here not being able to do anything about it.
Also, today marks the one year anniversary of this blog. What a way to celebrate.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Infertility on TV and Movies
Infertility is hardly ever treated delicately and with necessary understanding by the media. Instead, it usually perpetuates the stereotypes that the infertility advocates try so hard to bust.
**Possible TV and movie spoilers ahead**
I originally began this post as a rant in response to an episode of Modern Family I had watched last season. Yes, it was a long time ago. Yes, I'm still miffed about it. This episode started with Phil and Claire talking about some friends of theirs. They said that these friends couldn't have children, and that they were so lucky because they could travel, have nice things, have more money, and go out whenever they wanted. Phil and Claire then wished that they were in their friends' situation. The rest of the episode showed how awful kids are, and how much it sucks to be parents. The writers then attempted to make it somewhat "happy" in the last 30 seconds when the parents said, "Even though everything about this sucks, it's worth it."
I was so angry by the end of this episode that I resolved to never watch the show again (which, admittedly, wasn't a hard decision, seeing how it was a pretty dumb show to begin with). It wasn't just that the parents were complaining about having kids. All parents do that and can relate, so I understand when shows do that sometimes, even if I grumble through the whole episode. I was angry because they wished they had the "glamorous and luxurious" life of an infertile couple. Being infertile is in no way glamorous or luxurious, and it definitely should not be envied. This stereotype is one of the most damaging and hurtful.
Another example of poor representation of infertility is in the show How I Met Your Mother. Robin, one of the characters, went in to see her doctor one day, had one test done, and left with the news that she will never be able to ever have children ever. Diagnosing infertility is never that easy, and certainly can't be decided on one test alone. I admit that there is usually only one test for a male to see how things look on his end. But for females, there are endless amounts of tests to determine everything about her fertility. Unless Robin was completely lacking in ovaries or a uterus, she would not know she was completely, truly infertile after one test in one day. It's a grueling, expensive process that is emotionally taxing.
Further is an example from Grey's Anatomy. The main character, Meredith, finds out after trying for a baby that she's infertile. I do give it partial cookie points for showing the difficulty with taking fertility medication and possible side effects. However, after adopting and not trying to get pregnant, one day *poof!* she's pregnant. And has no complications, carries to full term, and delivers a baby. While this situation does happen in a very small portion of infertile couples, it's not a common one by any means. One of the biggest misunderstandings that people believe all the time is, "Just adopt, and then you'll get pregnant!"
A similar one happens in multiple shows and movies. A character can't get pregnant. She stops trying. Magically, she immediately gets pregnant without help despite all of her problems. The best example I can think of with this is the movie Baby Mama. Tina Fey's character wants to have a baby, but is infertile. She hires a surrogate, and hilarity ensues. By the end of the film, Tina Fey magically overcame all of her problems without treatment or even trying at all, and got pregnant by having sex one time.
While I appreciate that the topic of infertility is brought up for audiences little by little, there are a lot of problems with how it's portrayed. So in the end, you have to ask, "Is it better for media to bring up the topic, flaws and all, or is it more damaging to the overall cause of the advocacy efforts?"
**Possible TV and movie spoilers ahead**
I originally began this post as a rant in response to an episode of Modern Family I had watched last season. Yes, it was a long time ago. Yes, I'm still miffed about it. This episode started with Phil and Claire talking about some friends of theirs. They said that these friends couldn't have children, and that they were so lucky because they could travel, have nice things, have more money, and go out whenever they wanted. Phil and Claire then wished that they were in their friends' situation. The rest of the episode showed how awful kids are, and how much it sucks to be parents. The writers then attempted to make it somewhat "happy" in the last 30 seconds when the parents said, "Even though everything about this sucks, it's worth it."
I was so angry by the end of this episode that I resolved to never watch the show again (which, admittedly, wasn't a hard decision, seeing how it was a pretty dumb show to begin with). It wasn't just that the parents were complaining about having kids. All parents do that and can relate, so I understand when shows do that sometimes, even if I grumble through the whole episode. I was angry because they wished they had the "glamorous and luxurious" life of an infertile couple. Being infertile is in no way glamorous or luxurious, and it definitely should not be envied. This stereotype is one of the most damaging and hurtful.
Another example of poor representation of infertility is in the show How I Met Your Mother. Robin, one of the characters, went in to see her doctor one day, had one test done, and left with the news that she will never be able to ever have children ever. Diagnosing infertility is never that easy, and certainly can't be decided on one test alone. I admit that there is usually only one test for a male to see how things look on his end. But for females, there are endless amounts of tests to determine everything about her fertility. Unless Robin was completely lacking in ovaries or a uterus, she would not know she was completely, truly infertile after one test in one day. It's a grueling, expensive process that is emotionally taxing.
Further is an example from Grey's Anatomy. The main character, Meredith, finds out after trying for a baby that she's infertile. I do give it partial cookie points for showing the difficulty with taking fertility medication and possible side effects. However, after adopting and not trying to get pregnant, one day *poof!* she's pregnant. And has no complications, carries to full term, and delivers a baby. While this situation does happen in a very small portion of infertile couples, it's not a common one by any means. One of the biggest misunderstandings that people believe all the time is, "Just adopt, and then you'll get pregnant!"
A similar one happens in multiple shows and movies. A character can't get pregnant. She stops trying. Magically, she immediately gets pregnant without help despite all of her problems. The best example I can think of with this is the movie Baby Mama. Tina Fey's character wants to have a baby, but is infertile. She hires a surrogate, and hilarity ensues. By the end of the film, Tina Fey magically overcame all of her problems without treatment or even trying at all, and got pregnant by having sex one time.
While I appreciate that the topic of infertility is brought up for audiences little by little, there are a lot of problems with how it's portrayed. So in the end, you have to ask, "Is it better for media to bring up the topic, flaws and all, or is it more damaging to the overall cause of the advocacy efforts?"
Friday, June 28, 2013
IUI Failed
My third IUI has failed. That's it, folks. The doc wants to meet up on Tuesday to talk about the next steps. I'm sure that will include some testing, which will most likely those expensive tests that we didn't do five months ago.
Since IUI didn't work in three shots, it's highly likely that IUI will not work for me, since we do not have a male factor problem. So all that's left is IVF...
I'm trying not to worry myself, but trying to be prepared for what the doctor may say on Tuesday. If we need IVF, I don't even know what we'll do. We'll have to put everything on hold indefinitely because we can't afford it.
Since IUI didn't work in three shots, it's highly likely that IUI will not work for me, since we do not have a male factor problem. So all that's left is IVF...
I'm trying not to worry myself, but trying to be prepared for what the doctor may say on Tuesday. If we need IVF, I don't even know what we'll do. We'll have to put everything on hold indefinitely because we can't afford it.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Number Three
I realize that I haven't updated about my own treatment in a while. To be honest, last month was pretty devastating, and I have taken a step back from all infertility related things lately.
But, we went ahead and completed the third IUI last week. I'm now 5 days past the IUI, 6 days past my trigger shot.
My drugs this time were a bit different. I stuck with the 100 mg of Clomid, but we started my FSH earlier. I did Clomid cycle days 4-8, an FSH shot day 9 and another one day 11. And, on our ultrasound on cycle day 14, we saw not one, but TWO follicles!!! One on the right and one on the left. Since the HSG showed that my left tube is blocked we don't know if we could have success from it, but it's also an outdated test result. I did have it about a year ago, and my blockage could be better now, especially since I have had two miscarriages since the test. We are just excited at the prospect of possible twins.
If this one doesn't work, our doctor wants to meet with us again to discuss where to go from here. He said he was confident, since we don't have sperm issues, that three times should have done it. Especially since I had two medicated cycles before the three IUIs, too.
But, we went ahead and completed the third IUI last week. I'm now 5 days past the IUI, 6 days past my trigger shot.
My drugs this time were a bit different. I stuck with the 100 mg of Clomid, but we started my FSH earlier. I did Clomid cycle days 4-8, an FSH shot day 9 and another one day 11. And, on our ultrasound on cycle day 14, we saw not one, but TWO follicles!!! One on the right and one on the left. Since the HSG showed that my left tube is blocked we don't know if we could have success from it, but it's also an outdated test result. I did have it about a year ago, and my blockage could be better now, especially since I have had two miscarriages since the test. We are just excited at the prospect of possible twins.
If this one doesn't work, our doctor wants to meet with us again to discuss where to go from here. He said he was confident, since we don't have sperm issues, that three times should have done it. Especially since I had two medicated cycles before the three IUIs, too.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Un-due Date
Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful.
But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.
-Paulo Coelho
I saw the word "un-due date" on another infertility blog to describe the date that she was due with her baby before her miscarriage. I had always struggled to find a simple word to call it, which is why I thought un-due date was perfect.
June 4th is my un-due date. This one has been really hard because I have three friends who all are due within a week or two of this date. So every time I would see them, or hear an update or milestone about them, I'd think, That was supposed to be me, too. I know it's not good to play the jealousy game, but sometimes it's just going to happen. And there isn't much you can do to stop it. It's just hard to sit here and remember, I would have been a mom today.
I was hoping to offset this bad news with some good news, but I have no good news to share. My recent cycle was a bust. I thought I had succeeded this time for a few reasons, but the blood test came back negative. Perhaps it was another really early loss, or perhaps there were a bunch of really weird coincidences. We'll never know. The only thing we do know for sure is that a viable pregnancy did not result from last cycle.
Today seems to be a day of threes. We've been trying for three years, three months, and three weeks, this is my third un-due date (and hopefully last), and it will be my third IUI. Yes, we are doing one more! I had a very, very generous donation from a family member to pay for the whole cost of this cycle! We're excited and nervous to do this once more. My nurse told me yesterday that most success from IUI happens between the third and the sixth one. So I'm right in that window! We're hoping it works because I don't think there will be a fourth one. At least, not anytime soon.
June 4th is my un-due date. This one has been really hard because I have three friends who all are due within a week or two of this date. So every time I would see them, or hear an update or milestone about them, I'd think, That was supposed to be me, too. I know it's not good to play the jealousy game, but sometimes it's just going to happen. And there isn't much you can do to stop it. It's just hard to sit here and remember, I would have been a mom today.
I was hoping to offset this bad news with some good news, but I have no good news to share. My recent cycle was a bust. I thought I had succeeded this time for a few reasons, but the blood test came back negative. Perhaps it was another really early loss, or perhaps there were a bunch of really weird coincidences. We'll never know. The only thing we do know for sure is that a viable pregnancy did not result from last cycle.
Today seems to be a day of threes. We've been trying for three years, three months, and three weeks, this is my third un-due date (and hopefully last), and it will be my third IUI. Yes, we are doing one more! I had a very, very generous donation from a family member to pay for the whole cost of this cycle! We're excited and nervous to do this once more. My nurse told me yesterday that most success from IUI happens between the third and the sixth one. So I'm right in that window! We're hoping it works because I don't think there will be a fourth one. At least, not anytime soon.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Ways to Cope
It's unavoidable. Infertility causes plenty of negative feelings, including depression, anxiety, and worthlessness. It's so easy to let yourself get caught up in those feelings, and let yourself spiral down into dark places.
It takes a lot of courage, and a lot of work, but your life doesn't have to be ruled by these emotions. There are many healthy coping techniques to use that will make life better.
Resolve.org posted a list of different techniques to use in their Coping Techniques article, and I heartily second all of them.
2. Another step in overcoming isolation is to build a bridge back to your family.
All but the least sensitive can be educated about infertility, and can be taught by you how to be helpful and supportive. Ask them to do some reading on infertility. Also, be sure to let them know how you want to be treated.
3. Give yourself permission to cry and be angry.
Don't try to shut off your feelings. If you need to cry about the unfairness of one more pregnancy announcement, go ahead. If you need to pound a pillow or pummel a punching bag, do it. When you try to "snap out of it," you waste all your energy.
4. Give your spouse/partner permission to feel and cope differently than you.
If you're a wife, don't waste energy trying to get your husband to feel as devastated as you do. If you're a husband, don't try to get your wife to be "more like a man," forgetting about infertility except when she's at the doctor's office or in the bedroom.
5. Improve your communication about infertility.
You might try what I call "The Twenty Minute Rule," which forces you to limit the amount of time you talk about infertility in a given evening.
6. Tell your spouse/partner how you want to be helped.
But partners are mere humans, incapable of mind reading. If you need to pass up the family gathering that features five nieces and nephews under two, then say so. If you want to be hugged, or massaged, or left alone for a few minutes, or just listened to without any response, you'll be more likely to get what you want if you ask.
7. Get more information.
One of the worst facets of stress is uncertainty about the future. You can't get a crystal ball, but you can reduce some of your uncertainty by collecting information."
It takes a lot of courage, and a lot of work, but your life doesn't have to be ruled by these emotions. There are many healthy coping techniques to use that will make life better.
Resolve.org posted a list of different techniques to use in their Coping Techniques article, and I heartily second all of them.
"1. Learn about the normal responses to infertility.
The first step in reducing the stress of infertility is to stop feeling panicky about feeling rotten! Read about the emotional aspects of infertility.2. Another step in overcoming isolation is to build a bridge back to your family.
All but the least sensitive can be educated about infertility, and can be taught by you how to be helpful and supportive. Ask them to do some reading on infertility. Also, be sure to let them know how you want to be treated.
3. Give yourself permission to cry and be angry.
Don't try to shut off your feelings. If you need to cry about the unfairness of one more pregnancy announcement, go ahead. If you need to pound a pillow or pummel a punching bag, do it. When you try to "snap out of it," you waste all your energy.
4. Give your spouse/partner permission to feel and cope differently than you.
If you're a wife, don't waste energy trying to get your husband to feel as devastated as you do. If you're a husband, don't try to get your wife to be "more like a man," forgetting about infertility except when she's at the doctor's office or in the bedroom.
5. Improve your communication about infertility.
You might try what I call "The Twenty Minute Rule," which forces you to limit the amount of time you talk about infertility in a given evening.
6. Tell your spouse/partner how you want to be helped.
But partners are mere humans, incapable of mind reading. If you need to pass up the family gathering that features five nieces and nephews under two, then say so. If you want to be hugged, or massaged, or left alone for a few minutes, or just listened to without any response, you'll be more likely to get what you want if you ask.
7. Get more information.
One of the worst facets of stress is uncertainty about the future. You can't get a crystal ball, but you can reduce some of your uncertainty by collecting information."
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Welcome Record Courier Readers
I hopefully anticipate some new readers referred here by the Record Courier article published on Friday, May 17. And I would like to say welcome, and thank you for stopping by!
I was very honored when Sheila Gardner asked if she could interview us and write about our story. And, after reading it, I feel like she captured a lot of our journey very well! I'd like to thank her for taking the time to write it and help the community understand a lot of what we, and many millions of couples with infertility, experience.
I hope that if you have any questions about infertility, or want to learn more, that my blog can help you find anything you wish to know. In the article, I recommended Resolve.org as a resource. I think I reference or link to their site in every post that I write. Any bit of information you need can be found through them.
One thing I wish the article had covered, and I understand there was a length restriction, so not everything could be covered, were a few basic facts about infertility.
Infertility is defined as "a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple had had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages and the woman is under 35 years of age. If the woman is over 35 years old, it is diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse."
It's estimated that 7.3 million people in the United States alone suffer from infertility.
That works out to be about 1 in 8 couples.
This disease is very widespread, and affects more people than many realize. And with the tremendous emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial strains, it's a major issue.
For those who think they may be experiencing infertility, please don't hesitate to find help now. My one regret is that I did not seek the help of a specialist as soon as I suspected a problem. I was worried about the cost of treatment, and thought that my family doctor would be able to help me at a more affordable cost. However, I ended up wasting a lot of time and money on things that did not help. A specialist, or Reproductive Endocrinologist, is the best and most highly trained person to help. For those who are local to my hometown, call the Nevada Center for Reproductive Medicine and set up a consultation. Both of their doctors are amazing, and their whole staff are incredible and friendly. They can help! Visit nevadafertility.com to get more information. For more about when to see a specialist, read a recent post, When Should I See a Specialist?
For those who are here to learn and know how to best support their family and friends, please take a look through my posts. If I may, here are a few that may interest you the most:
Join the Movement and Speak Out! My post written for Resolve.org's National Infertility Awareness Week as part of the Blogger's Unite Challenge.
Comfort IN, Dump OUT talks about an article written for the LA Times, which discusses the best ways to help someone going through any sort of trauma.
Infographic, a quick visual representation of some interesting and helpful data.
Thanks again for stopping by! If you have any questions, or wish to contact me, please take advantage of the Q&A tab at the top of the page. I'm truly humbled by friends' and community's interest in infertility, and hope that I am able to help everyone to understand a little bit more.
EDIT: The article was just published online. However, the newspaper requires a subscription fee in order to read it online. If you care to look anyway, it's here: http://www.recordcourier.com/news/6534385-113/allison-infertility-jeppsons-john
I was very honored when Sheila Gardner asked if she could interview us and write about our story. And, after reading it, I feel like she captured a lot of our journey very well! I'd like to thank her for taking the time to write it and help the community understand a lot of what we, and many millions of couples with infertility, experience.
I hope that if you have any questions about infertility, or want to learn more, that my blog can help you find anything you wish to know. In the article, I recommended Resolve.org as a resource. I think I reference or link to their site in every post that I write. Any bit of information you need can be found through them.
One thing I wish the article had covered, and I understand there was a length restriction, so not everything could be covered, were a few basic facts about infertility.
Infertility is defined as "a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple had had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages and the woman is under 35 years of age. If the woman is over 35 years old, it is diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse."
It's estimated that 7.3 million people in the United States alone suffer from infertility.
That works out to be about 1 in 8 couples.
This disease is very widespread, and affects more people than many realize. And with the tremendous emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial strains, it's a major issue.
For those who think they may be experiencing infertility, please don't hesitate to find help now. My one regret is that I did not seek the help of a specialist as soon as I suspected a problem. I was worried about the cost of treatment, and thought that my family doctor would be able to help me at a more affordable cost. However, I ended up wasting a lot of time and money on things that did not help. A specialist, or Reproductive Endocrinologist, is the best and most highly trained person to help. For those who are local to my hometown, call the Nevada Center for Reproductive Medicine and set up a consultation. Both of their doctors are amazing, and their whole staff are incredible and friendly. They can help! Visit nevadafertility.com to get more information. For more about when to see a specialist, read a recent post, When Should I See a Specialist?
For those who are here to learn and know how to best support their family and friends, please take a look through my posts. If I may, here are a few that may interest you the most:
Join the Movement and Speak Out! My post written for Resolve.org's National Infertility Awareness Week as part of the Blogger's Unite Challenge.
Comfort IN, Dump OUT talks about an article written for the LA Times, which discusses the best ways to help someone going through any sort of trauma.
Infographic, a quick visual representation of some interesting and helpful data.
Thanks again for stopping by! If you have any questions, or wish to contact me, please take advantage of the Q&A tab at the top of the page. I'm truly humbled by friends' and community's interest in infertility, and hope that I am able to help everyone to understand a little bit more.
EDIT: The article was just published online. However, the newspaper requires a subscription fee in order to read it online. If you care to look anyway, it's here: http://www.recordcourier.com/news/6534385-113/allison-infertility-jeppsons-john
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Infographic
I saw this posted on Pinterest today, and thought it summarized a lot of information really well. Enjoy!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
IUI 2 Done, and Interview
As of this afternoon, we have done everything we can for this cycle. We had IUI #2 done with a final sperm count of 25 million (which is great!). We had one follicle mature on the right again, which is good and bad. My RE was a bit concerned that my follicles have been maturing on the right three months in a row. He said that my body may be compensating for a problem that is happening on the left, which is possibly causing the blockage, and that it may also be compromising the right side. He said statistically for me, since we have good sperm count, IUI should work in the first three tries, and that if it doesn't there may be another problem altogether. We're just hoping that it works this time so we don't have to worry about it!
Also, last week, John and I were interviewed by a reporter with the local newspaper about our journey for a story that will be published either tomorrow or Friday. I am very nervous about it! I felt like the interview went well, but after I kept thinking to myself, "I can't believe I said that!" and "I wish I had clarified/explained that more." The reporter was very kind, so I think she'll write a good article. I'm just very anxious to read it! I hope to see some good feedback and support from the community.
After it's published I will put a link to it on here so you can read it. I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight!
Me and Ann
I am a big fan of the show Parks and Recreation. Currently, one of the characters, Ann Perkins, is trying to have a baby. Since she is a single woman, she was beginning ART treatment, which I could partially relate to. It's been interesting to see how they portray a woman who is TTC, especially in the non-traditional way.
Last week's episode started with Andy finding a positive pregnancy test. He then went around to all of the women in the show to figure out which one it is. When he approached Ann, her reaction was just absolutely perfect! I asked my friend to turn it into a clip for me so I could put it on here for you to see.
Last week's episode started with Andy finding a positive pregnancy test. He then went around to all of the women in the show to figure out which one it is. When he approached Ann, her reaction was just absolutely perfect! I asked my friend to turn it into a clip for me so I could put it on here for you to see.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Another New Experience
The other day I had the experience of giving an injection to myself. It was quite odd. I don't think I have ever purposefully inflicted pain on myself before.
I was running late to work that morning, so I had to just grab all of my materials (including my sharps container), and go. When I got to my classroom, I sat down and had to remember how to mix it all and prepare the injection. The instant it was all ready, the bell rang and students started coming in! I was so embarrassed. But, it had to be done, so I turned my back to them, and started to put the needle in.
It was odd how I hesitated. I thought, "This is a tiny needle. It's not going to hurt at all." But the second it pricked my skin, I had an involuntary reaction and pulled it away. So I went in for a second try, and bared my teeth, and sunk it all the way in. And holy cow, the serum burned! I probably did it too slowly, but I finally got it done and I'm not sure anyone even saw. At least, no one asked about it or my sharps container. I guess it's not that abnormal to see someone give themselves shots in the stomach. Many people have to do insulin shots all the time.
That was my first time ever giving a shot to anyone. And, I'm proud to say that it didn't hurt afterward, and there is no bruising. All of the shots that the nurses did at my RE's office the last few months left a bruise, and a couple hurt for a while after. One of them that was in the stomach was even bruised for a week! I guess I did something right. I hope this is the first and last time I have to give myself a shot!
I was running late to work that morning, so I had to just grab all of my materials (including my sharps container), and go. When I got to my classroom, I sat down and had to remember how to mix it all and prepare the injection. The instant it was all ready, the bell rang and students started coming in! I was so embarrassed. But, it had to be done, so I turned my back to them, and started to put the needle in.
It was odd how I hesitated. I thought, "This is a tiny needle. It's not going to hurt at all." But the second it pricked my skin, I had an involuntary reaction and pulled it away. So I went in for a second try, and bared my teeth, and sunk it all the way in. And holy cow, the serum burned! I probably did it too slowly, but I finally got it done and I'm not sure anyone even saw. At least, no one asked about it or my sharps container. I guess it's not that abnormal to see someone give themselves shots in the stomach. Many people have to do insulin shots all the time.
That was my first time ever giving a shot to anyone. And, I'm proud to say that it didn't hurt afterward, and there is no bruising. All of the shots that the nurses did at my RE's office the last few months left a bruise, and a couple hurt for a while after. One of them that was in the stomach was even bruised for a week! I guess I did something right. I hope this is the first and last time I have to give myself a shot!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Just Adopting
One thing I hear from people pretty often is, "Have you started to think about adoption?" and "Why don't you just adopt?" And while it is an option to consider when trying to build a family, it's not as simple as "just adopting."
The first step in the process of adopting is making sure you're ready for it. I was told a story once that really opened my eyes to this step in the process. A woman and her husband were at their initial interview with their case worker to open their case and start the process. And the first thing that the case worked asked was, "Have you finished mourning your infertility and your chance of having a biological child?"
That question is the first thing you have to answer, and one of the most important. For most people, we are not ready for adoption until we can truthfully answer "yes" to that question. Adoption should not be thought of as a last resort or a final ditch effort to have a family. If you think about it in that way, you are not ready for adoption. It should be a decision you come to because you are ready and wanting to raise a child, even if they are not biologically yours. Resolve has a lot of material about this issue, and on the subject of the emotional aspects of adoption, they said, " The turning point for many couples is when they realize that they would rather be parents than be pregnant. Often, around this same time, is when the idea of adoption begins to no longer seem like the next step in a series of failures, but rather the first step in an exciting journey that will end in success. When you can embrace it in those terms is when you are emotionally ready to begin."
On Resolve's Facebook page, they asked the question, "What are some of the things you shouldn't say to someone who is having trouble conceiving?" And while there were many good answers, there were a lot about adoption. One member said, "Although we did eventually adopt, there is no 'just' about it. The adoption ride is not for everyone and is every bit as emotional, difficult, nerve-wracking, and expensive as our battle with infertility. And adoption is not a cure for infertility. Having a child in your home is a wonderful blessing but the pain of infertility is not erased by adoption. You must deal with the trauma of infertility before adopting and you must know what while you will be overjoyed, your infertility will still be a part of you." I feel like her word summed up everything perfectly. It is not a cure for infertility. Parents who adopt don't feel like their infertility magically vanishes. It's still a part of who they are.
Once someone is ready, the process isn't as easy as "just adopting." The first, and one of the biggest hurdles, are finances. Private adoption can cost up to $40,000 or more, which is the cost of two or three IVF cycles (Resolve.org, "When Should You Consider Adoption?"). There are cheaper options, but they come with a higher risk of not getting the child, like fostering to adopt, and my Church's adoption service, which usually has a waiting list of about 5 years. Many people don't know how difficult, expensive, and long it takes to adopt a child.
It is not easy to decide on adoption. And it's not easy to adopt. It's a decision that many couples struggle with, and some never decide to adopt. For me, we are not ready. At all. We have not yet given up hope of having our biological child, and will fight for that for a long time to come. And, we may never decide to adopt. Many couples decide to live child-free, and can still feel fulfilled and at peace with their lives.
The first step in the process of adopting is making sure you're ready for it. I was told a story once that really opened my eyes to this step in the process. A woman and her husband were at their initial interview with their case worker to open their case and start the process. And the first thing that the case worked asked was, "Have you finished mourning your infertility and your chance of having a biological child?"
That question is the first thing you have to answer, and one of the most important. For most people, we are not ready for adoption until we can truthfully answer "yes" to that question. Adoption should not be thought of as a last resort or a final ditch effort to have a family. If you think about it in that way, you are not ready for adoption. It should be a decision you come to because you are ready and wanting to raise a child, even if they are not biologically yours. Resolve has a lot of material about this issue, and on the subject of the emotional aspects of adoption, they said, " The turning point for many couples is when they realize that they would rather be parents than be pregnant. Often, around this same time, is when the idea of adoption begins to no longer seem like the next step in a series of failures, but rather the first step in an exciting journey that will end in success. When you can embrace it in those terms is when you are emotionally ready to begin."
On Resolve's Facebook page, they asked the question, "What are some of the things you shouldn't say to someone who is having trouble conceiving?" And while there were many good answers, there were a lot about adoption. One member said, "Although we did eventually adopt, there is no 'just' about it. The adoption ride is not for everyone and is every bit as emotional, difficult, nerve-wracking, and expensive as our battle with infertility. And adoption is not a cure for infertility. Having a child in your home is a wonderful blessing but the pain of infertility is not erased by adoption. You must deal with the trauma of infertility before adopting and you must know what while you will be overjoyed, your infertility will still be a part of you." I feel like her word summed up everything perfectly. It is not a cure for infertility. Parents who adopt don't feel like their infertility magically vanishes. It's still a part of who they are.
Once someone is ready, the process isn't as easy as "just adopting." The first, and one of the biggest hurdles, are finances. Private adoption can cost up to $40,000 or more, which is the cost of two or three IVF cycles (Resolve.org, "When Should You Consider Adoption?"). There are cheaper options, but they come with a higher risk of not getting the child, like fostering to adopt, and my Church's adoption service, which usually has a waiting list of about 5 years. Many people don't know how difficult, expensive, and long it takes to adopt a child.
It is not easy to decide on adoption. And it's not easy to adopt. It's a decision that many couples struggle with, and some never decide to adopt. For me, we are not ready. At all. We have not yet given up hope of having our biological child, and will fight for that for a long time to come. And, we may never decide to adopt. Many couples decide to live child-free, and can still feel fulfilled and at peace with their lives.
Friday, April 26, 2013
IUI #2
I got the official news today that my first IUI did not work. What made it really hard hearing that this month is because there was a bit of confusion with my tests.
I had blogged earlier that I was testing out my trigger shot, and I got negative tests on 7 DPO this month. The test was also negative the next day on 8 DPO. But on 9 DPO, after two days of negative tests, I had four positives. Four beautiful even-John-could-see-the-lines positives. I knew for sure I was pregnant. But the next day at 10 DPO, they were negative. And every test after that was negative, too. We don't understand what happened. Our guess is that there was some tiny bit of the hormone that was sitting in a bit of tissue, and finally released into my body later, turning the tests positive. I don't think it was another early loss. It seems a bit early for that to have happened.
It was such a rollercoaster and I'm so exhausted and emotionally worn out. The worst news is that this upcoming month, IUI #2, is the last treatment that we can afford. If it doesn't work, I don't have any idea what we'll do next. I don't feel comfortable trying on my own because of my history of miscarriages. I want to be watched very closely and be on progesterone at the earliest possible moment. I do have some refills of Clomid and progesterone left, so I guess it would make sense to use those up. But I feel like I've been put through the ringer. I am so tired and don't know how much longer I can take it. Maybe taking a break would be good for me.
I'm just waiting for my new cycle to start, and we'll do this all over again. However, we are raising my dose of Clomid from 100 mg to 150 mg to try to get more follicles. Especially if it's the left ovary's turn. We want to try to get one or two on the right.
EDIT: After my appointment, we decided to stay on the 100 mg Clomid, and add a shot of Bravelle to increase number of follicles. Increasing the dose of Clomid doesn't always mean a higher number of follicles.
I had blogged earlier that I was testing out my trigger shot, and I got negative tests on 7 DPO this month. The test was also negative the next day on 8 DPO. But on 9 DPO, after two days of negative tests, I had four positives. Four beautiful even-John-could-see-the-lines positives. I knew for sure I was pregnant. But the next day at 10 DPO, they were negative. And every test after that was negative, too. We don't understand what happened. Our guess is that there was some tiny bit of the hormone that was sitting in a bit of tissue, and finally released into my body later, turning the tests positive. I don't think it was another early loss. It seems a bit early for that to have happened.
 |
| Here are the tests from this month. The two on the bottom are two of the positive ones from 9 DPO right under negatives from 7 and 8 DPO. |
I'm just waiting for my new cycle to start, and we'll do this all over again. However, we are raising my dose of Clomid from 100 mg to 150 mg to try to get more follicles. Especially if it's the left ovary's turn. We want to try to get one or two on the right.
EDIT: After my appointment, we decided to stay on the 100 mg Clomid, and add a shot of Bravelle to increase number of follicles. Increasing the dose of Clomid doesn't always mean a higher number of follicles.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Join the Movement and Speak Out!
In honor of 2013's National Infertility Awareness Week, I decided to make my voice heard by participating in Resolve.org's Bloggers Unite Challenge. Infertility is defined as "a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages and the woman is under 35 years of age. If the woman is over 35 years old, it is diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse" (Resolve.org, "Frequently Asked Questions About Infertility").
I decided to become a strong supporter and advocate for the infertility community sometime after my first miscarriage. It put me into a deep depression that made everyone, not just myself, miserable. I had feelings of hopelessness, abandonment, loneliness... Things I felt because I was completely alone in my battle. I was uneducated about infertility and pregnancy loss, and had no idea that help was out there.
I had to work on my own to pull out of it and find my happiness and joy again. Once I did, I was a new person. I was stronger and knew I could overcome anything thrown into my path. It was then that I knew I had to make my voice heard. I had to let everyone out there experiencing infertility know that they are not alone. During that time, I resolved that I would never let anyone I know go through what I went through. I had to let all of my friends, family, and members of my community know what infertility is, and how to help those in their lives who are afflicted with it. I had to let everyone know that infertility is hard, but it sure doesn't have to be lonely. It can be overcome solo, but why not make it easier and do it with support?
I utilize Facebook quite often to discuss infertility with my friends and acquaintances, joining in on Resolve.org's discussions and posting updates about my own struggles. I love writing in this blog, Progressing in Circles, where I discuss my own treatments and pick topics to discuss and teach. I was a writer for a website belonging to my alma mater where spoke up about my journey. Many of the readers were very receptive to that, and a few have contacted me to find more support. And lastly, I am very excited to announce my latest project that I have been working on for the last few months, The Infertility Survival Guide. It's a book that is aimed toward infertile couples in my church, and gives advice, validation, and just a hint of humor about how to survive as an infertile couple in a very fertile and family driven world.
Looking back, I am very proud of my efforts to expand understanding and support for the infertility community. Even though I feel like I should be doing more, I am doing all I can at the moment. It's always a very touching moment to receive emails and messages from friends, and sometimes even strangers, complimenting me on my advocacy and asking for help. I wish I had had someone in my own life to talk to when I was in the dark about infertility, so I'm glad that I can be there for other people.
Now, I encourage you to also speak out. Whether or not you have infertility, you do have a voice. Infertility awareness is more important than a lot of people know. It is a real disease that affects an estimated 7.3 million people in the United States alone. Because it's such a private issue, it's taboo in many societies. But, it can cause a lot of depression and anxiety due to feelings of loss, struggles with self-esteem and worth, unfulfilled ambition, and other hidden emotions. It's very real, and shouldn't be ignored!
So, the solution? Educate, educate, educate! Resolve has so many amazing articles available to aid in answering any question. First, please read all of the following pages to learn as much as you can about the disease and the best ways to help.
What is Infertility?
Second, post on your own blog, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Please help us to expand Infertility Awareness Week to reach the ears of more people than ever before. Chances are, there are many people you know who are silent in their struggles. Be open about infertility, and you'll be amazed how many people may approach you about it and share their story.
And lastly, be a listener and a support for those people. There is no reason for infertility to be lonely. Nearly 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age suffer. We are far from alone! We are out there. Be open and be an encouragement. I know many friends who were scared and ashamed of their disease until they found someone willing to give them support. Be that support. To read more from me about that, read "Comfort IN, Dump OUT" posted earlier this week.
If you are suffering from infertility yourself, there is hope! I strongly urge you to find a support group, either local in your area, or online. I never could have been this strong and hopeful without my support groups. They are invaluable resources.
And remember, there are many ways to build a family. Even though going a different route may not be the one you expected, it will still get you to your end destination. It's just like taking a long car trip. One time, my family was making a six hour drive from my grandma's house back to our home. We were in the last hour of our journey, and couldn't wait to get out and stretch our legs and take a shower. However, we were stopped and sent on a three hour detour due to the river flooding. It was utter mayhem in the car with complaining and whining. But, there was nothing we could do about it. The only thing we could do is take the detour if we wanted to get home. We ended up getting home late, but we still arrived. The extra three hours hadn't changed anything. Our house was the same, our toys were still in our rooms, and our cats were still waiting for us. The only thing that had changed was us. We ended up on the most beautiful drive we had ever seen. Some parts were slower and very winding, causing us to slow down and drive more carefully, but others displayed the most gorgeous countryside, farms, animals, and color-changing trees we had ever seen. We saw such beauty, and were able to actually enjoy the journey it took to get to our destination.
The infertility journey is much the same. Many times you may be sent on a detour that is not of your choosing, and sometimes it will be slow and winding, but you can still learn and grow so much stronger than you ever were before. And, after that journey, you can still arrive at your same destination of having your family. Your detour may take you through many different ART treatments, adoption, and perhaps even lead you to the decision to live childless. But all are good, and all can give you peace and fulfillment, and be that destination you have been working toward.
Speak up about that journey. If you are in the process, share it to inspire others! Speak about those gorgeous trees out the car window. Share the beauty you have found in yourself during this journey. Talk to your support system about that flooded road. I know it's scary to open up sometimes, and it's not encouraging when people say the wrong things. But how will they ever know the right things to say if we don't teach them?
Read more about National Infertility Awareness Week here
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
I decided to become a strong supporter and advocate for the infertility community sometime after my first miscarriage. It put me into a deep depression that made everyone, not just myself, miserable. I had feelings of hopelessness, abandonment, loneliness... Things I felt because I was completely alone in my battle. I was uneducated about infertility and pregnancy loss, and had no idea that help was out there.
I had to work on my own to pull out of it and find my happiness and joy again. Once I did, I was a new person. I was stronger and knew I could overcome anything thrown into my path. It was then that I knew I had to make my voice heard. I had to let everyone out there experiencing infertility know that they are not alone. During that time, I resolved that I would never let anyone I know go through what I went through. I had to let all of my friends, family, and members of my community know what infertility is, and how to help those in their lives who are afflicted with it. I had to let everyone know that infertility is hard, but it sure doesn't have to be lonely. It can be overcome solo, but why not make it easier and do it with support?
I utilize Facebook quite often to discuss infertility with my friends and acquaintances, joining in on Resolve.org's discussions and posting updates about my own struggles. I love writing in this blog, Progressing in Circles, where I discuss my own treatments and pick topics to discuss and teach. I was a writer for a website belonging to my alma mater where spoke up about my journey. Many of the readers were very receptive to that, and a few have contacted me to find more support. And lastly, I am very excited to announce my latest project that I have been working on for the last few months, The Infertility Survival Guide. It's a book that is aimed toward infertile couples in my church, and gives advice, validation, and just a hint of humor about how to survive as an infertile couple in a very fertile and family driven world.
Looking back, I am very proud of my efforts to expand understanding and support for the infertility community. Even though I feel like I should be doing more, I am doing all I can at the moment. It's always a very touching moment to receive emails and messages from friends, and sometimes even strangers, complimenting me on my advocacy and asking for help. I wish I had had someone in my own life to talk to when I was in the dark about infertility, so I'm glad that I can be there for other people.
Now, I encourage you to also speak out. Whether or not you have infertility, you do have a voice. Infertility awareness is more important than a lot of people know. It is a real disease that affects an estimated 7.3 million people in the United States alone. Because it's such a private issue, it's taboo in many societies. But, it can cause a lot of depression and anxiety due to feelings of loss, struggles with self-esteem and worth, unfulfilled ambition, and other hidden emotions. It's very real, and shouldn't be ignored!
So, the solution? Educate, educate, educate! Resolve has so many amazing articles available to aid in answering any question. First, please read all of the following pages to learn as much as you can about the disease and the best ways to help.
What is Infertility?
- Frequently Asked Questions about Infertility
- Infertility Diagnosis
- The Hidden Emotions of Infertility
- Fast Facts
Second, post on your own blog, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Please help us to expand Infertility Awareness Week to reach the ears of more people than ever before. Chances are, there are many people you know who are silent in their struggles. Be open about infertility, and you'll be amazed how many people may approach you about it and share their story.
And lastly, be a listener and a support for those people. There is no reason for infertility to be lonely. Nearly 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age suffer. We are far from alone! We are out there. Be open and be an encouragement. I know many friends who were scared and ashamed of their disease until they found someone willing to give them support. Be that support. To read more from me about that, read "Comfort IN, Dump OUT" posted earlier this week.
If you are suffering from infertility yourself, there is hope! I strongly urge you to find a support group, either local in your area, or online. I never could have been this strong and hopeful without my support groups. They are invaluable resources.
And remember, there are many ways to build a family. Even though going a different route may not be the one you expected, it will still get you to your end destination. It's just like taking a long car trip. One time, my family was making a six hour drive from my grandma's house back to our home. We were in the last hour of our journey, and couldn't wait to get out and stretch our legs and take a shower. However, we were stopped and sent on a three hour detour due to the river flooding. It was utter mayhem in the car with complaining and whining. But, there was nothing we could do about it. The only thing we could do is take the detour if we wanted to get home. We ended up getting home late, but we still arrived. The extra three hours hadn't changed anything. Our house was the same, our toys were still in our rooms, and our cats were still waiting for us. The only thing that had changed was us. We ended up on the most beautiful drive we had ever seen. Some parts were slower and very winding, causing us to slow down and drive more carefully, but others displayed the most gorgeous countryside, farms, animals, and color-changing trees we had ever seen. We saw such beauty, and were able to actually enjoy the journey it took to get to our destination.
The infertility journey is much the same. Many times you may be sent on a detour that is not of your choosing, and sometimes it will be slow and winding, but you can still learn and grow so much stronger than you ever were before. And, after that journey, you can still arrive at your same destination of having your family. Your detour may take you through many different ART treatments, adoption, and perhaps even lead you to the decision to live childless. But all are good, and all can give you peace and fulfillment, and be that destination you have been working toward.
Speak up about that journey. If you are in the process, share it to inspire others! Speak about those gorgeous trees out the car window. Share the beauty you have found in yourself during this journey. Talk to your support system about that flooded road. I know it's scary to open up sometimes, and it's not encouraging when people say the wrong things. But how will they ever know the right things to say if we don't teach them?
Read more about National Infertility Awareness Week here
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
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